The Five Love Languages is the best gift I have ever given to my friend.
My good friend, Janet had been married for almost 6 years.
She and Ross met at a church camp and it was love at first sight.
They were very different in many ways but they felt that opposites definitely attracted.
The first year of marriage was harmonious and wonderful.
Their first child, Keone was born nearly two years after they got married.
In the second year of their marriage, they started feeling that opposites don't attract for long.
They had very different ideas about how the living room should be decorated and which restaurants to dine at.
When Keone came along, they started facing more challenges.
Ross had been a vegetarian all his life and felt that there was no harm in bringing Keone as one too.
Janet was vehemently against it though.
Their differences in opinions started affecting the way they treated each other.
She started feeling very down when Ross came home from work and couldn't help showing it.
He sensed it and started coming home late to avoid arguments.
This started affecting Keone as he wasn't seeing much of his father.
When their third wedding anniversary came along, Ross couldn't be bothered to even acknowledge it.
Janet was furious because she had put her life at risk during childbirth to give him a beautiful son.
It was the last straw for her.
She walked out on him with her son while Ross was at work.
He came home to an empty house and was livid to find that she had done this.
She turned off her mobile phone for two days and he had no way of contacting her.
Even her family didn't know her whereabouts.
When he eventually traced her, he showed interest only in his son and was relieved that he was safe.
She knew then that this marriage was over.
Both of them were so angry with each other that they couldn't see any sense and refused to give the marriage another chance at least for the sake of their son.
They were apart for two months.
Both of them were suffering from depression.
She called me almost every day and cried.
Ross was angry and bitter.
Their son who was with Janet was hardly one but was growing up as a confused kid as daddy saw him only for a few hours in a week.
I knew that I had to help my friend but I was no marriage counselor.
However, I had read a few self-improvement books before I got married.
Amongst them was a book that really helped me.
It was the 5 Love Languages.
This book talks about the 5 different love languages individuals use to express and receive love.
The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gifts and quality time.
Words of affirmation Some people want to hear praises and compliments.
"You're beautiful", "You are the best thing that happened to me" and "You are my life" are words that fill up their love tanks.
Quality time Some want undivided time and attention from their partners.
This means that they want their partner to be solely focused on them.
Being partially focused on the tv or the newspaper will not be accepted.
Receiving gifts Some want gifts from their partner.
The more effort and thought the partner puts into the gift, the more appreciation is felt by the receiver and this fills his or her love tank.
Acts of Service Some want their partners to help them with the household chores and other work which will help them ease their burden.
Physical touch This shouldn't be mistaken for sex.
Some people receive love through hugs, kisses, strokes, pats and other forms of physical touch.
They thrive with a very tactile partner.
I knew that both Janet and Ross still loved each other.
However, they kept pointing their fingers at each other for not showing enough care for each others' needs.
They kept focusing on each others' mistakes and failed to look at where they themselves were going wrong.
I knew that the time had come for both of them to read The Five Love Languages.
I had no guarantee that this book would help them but there was no harm trying.
I gave Janet a copy and couriered one to Ross.
Janet read the book within a week.
When I asked her what she had learnt from it, she was speechless.
She just didn't know what to say.
After a few days, she told me that she was accepting the fact that she had been wrong in some ways.
She felt bad for leaving the house with the baby without telling Ross.
She suddenly became aware that she hadn't given much attention to his needs in the relationship or rather his love languages although they were quite obvious.
One of the things that she had found attractive about him was his tidiness.
He took the trouble to keep the house clean.
However, she was really poor at keeping the house tidy.
On days he had to work late, he hoped to come back to a clean and tidy house.
However, he often came back to a cluttered and messy house which drove him up the wall.
He told her off and she often ended up sulking the whole night.
She felt that he was always telling her off.
She wanted to hear compliments and praises but felt that he was losing his ability to give them to her.
She often gave him gifts but this was one love language he couldn't appreciate.
He was very uncomfortable receiving gifts.
When she bought him some new shirts on Valentine's Day, he chided her severely.
She felt so unappreciated by this.
Upon reading the book, she realised that he wanted acts of service from her which she often took for granted.
Also, she realised that receiving gifts wasn't his love language and she needn't waste time getting him gifts.
I coaxed Janet to call Ross up and surprisingly she did.
They decided to meet up a few days later at a café.
She told him about the 5 Love Languages and how she had began to understand what his needs were.
For the first time in months, he felt that she had changed considerably in her expectations towards him.
Seeing the change in her, he agreed to read the book.
Upon reading the book, he admitted that he could see where he had gone wrong too albeit reluctantly.
He hardly gave her any words of affirmation.
He was quick to pick on her but hardly gave her any credit for anything.
He was often working late and on days he wasn't, he watched tv.
She felt ignored and began to feel lonely in the marriage.
A few weeks later, both of them decided to give their marriage another chance.
She and Keone moved back with Ross.
They also went for marriage counseling.
A few months later, Janet called me one morning to thank me.
She said that the worse was over for Ross and her.
They had put in a lot of effort to rectify their problems and it was beginning to pay off.
Janet felt that The Five Love Languages was an eye-opener to her.
If not for this book, she would not have realised what her mistakes were in their relationship.
To this day, she feels that this book was the best gift she had ever received and has given it to many of her friends as a wedding gift.
Janet, Ross and I believe that this book is a must-read for all couples.
If a friend of yours is getting married, The Five Love Languages will be the perfect gift.
By D.
Huben