In the realm of things absolute, forgiveness could very well rank at the top.
So absolute that choosing not to forgive is dismissed even as a distant option.
Is anything in life this absolute and unconditional? In a clinical or religious setting, the doctrine of unconditional forgiveness is an admiral quality.
Accordingly, the purpose here is not to encourage a diversion from one's values or religion, or advanced education.
The point is, in times of intense personal pain, when conventional wisdom seems almost hollow, why must everything be so absolute? Is it not possible that we can find our own peace and make sense of what has happened without having to forgive? Traditionally defined, forgiveness is unconditional.
By definition forgiveness offers us a sole means for survival - our only chance to move on free of emotional burdens.
The problem is, unconditional, absolute forgiveness is skewed totally towards the interests of the offender.
It addresses neither an acceptance of responsibility nor a means to earn forgiveness.
It is to forgive with no conditions attached.
It is to forgive no matter what? It is to forgive anyone, someone, regardless of the severity of their actions? At the risk of sounding self-serving, what does the victim receive in return? Purists believe that the completely selfless act of forgiveness empowers the victim to move on free of pain, free of anger and hostility, and with a newfound freedom to find peace.
In short, the victims are doing it for themselves.
These goals are admirable and divinely inspired.
And, they are implicitly, respectfully personal.
And this is the point.
What if those goals are not personally empowering for you? Is it reasonable that the choice to forgive or not to forgive need be a reflection of your moral code and your personal beliefs? Is it not possible that there are other choices? Isn't it possible that we can heal without focusing on the needs of our tormentor? Isn't it realistic to accept that we can find our own peace and make sense of what has happened without having to forgive? The purists are not wrong.
Ultimately we must find the personal means to release our emotional burdens whether those means are delivered through forgiveness or other means.
Regardless of the means, your challenge is to take back your power.
Instead of dwelling on the lofty concept of forgiveness, focus instead on your personal Renewal.
Renewal begins with these basic steps:

• A commitment to yourself to take control of your future

Accept responsibility for your own happiness regardless of what has occurred in the past and regardless of whether or not you ultimately choose to forgive or not to forgive.

• Acceptance of and respect for your own emotions

Connect with your emotions.
You need time to grieve, to fully express how you feel.

• Wish no ill will

Wishing no ill will is to move on with your own life.
Whether you choose to forgive someone or not, your best recovery recourse is to live a happy life.
Your first step to a happy life is to free yourself from the past.

• Make peace with the past by understanding it

Now is the time to come to terms with your aggressor's actions.
When you can better understand those actions, you can use that knowledge for your own personal renewal.
Ultimately, forgiveness - or not - is a very personal decision.
Your journey to peace begins with your resolve to accept responsibility for your own happiness.
Your goal is to guide yourself to a new life, to rediscovered interests, and to a life that you own.
Once you get there, whether you choose to forgive or not to forgive through renewal, you are free.
Getting even no longer matters.