Friendships can be fragile things.
Often we accumulate relationships and friendships because of their proximity to our life.
They are connected to the things that we do regularly, the way we spend our time.
People with children the same age, with whom we work, who live in the area, go to our gym or social club all clearly have points of common interest and that can often be enough to generate a friendly relationship.
But are these people friends? Some people regard true friends as people with whom personal secrets, confidences, lives are shared.
We may have known them for many years or have had such an instant rapport that there has been an immediate connection.
Many of us though confuse the word 'friend' with 'people with whom we are friendly'.
There is an important difference.
A real friendship is a valuable relationship and we can become quite dependent on having that relationship in our life.
They may know more about us than almost anyone else, have shared all the important milestones in our life.
So what happens next when there has been a serious fallout? How do we look to repair the damage that has been done to the relationship? To a certain extent, it can depend on the reasons for the breakdown.
Let's look at some ways in which it may be possible to heal a friendship.
- Ignore the issues and move on.
This can be a tempting option.
On the surface it makes life easier; ignore the problem, say nothing and continue as before.
The downside to this response is that issues can fester and cause resentment.
We may end up overreacting to something relatively minor at another time because of the build up of frustration from a previous situation.
Or we may protect ourselves by distancing ourselves emotionally from the other person.
This can be a way of trying to safeguard ourselves from future harm and disappointment.
Neither are a particularly satisfactory option longterm.
- Empathy is important.
Trying to understand the situation from the other person's point of view can help.
They have their reasons for thinking, feeling, behaving the way they did.
They are clearly not such a bad person or we would not have befriended them in the first place.
Listening and trying to understand what has happened and why can go some way towards recovering the relationship.
- Use a mediator.
Other friends, partners or family members often have links with both people and may well be able to understand each person's viewpoint.
Allowing them to act as mediator can facilitate conversation and help to keep channels of communication open, civil and relevant.
The act of participating in this can demonstrate a desire to heal the friendship, or at least a desire to go some way towards improving the situation.
- Professional counselling can be helpful in these situations.
We all have areas where we are especially vulnerable and if a friend has said or done something that has encroached on those areas we may overreact to protect ourselves.
Professional counselling can provide a neutral environment in which we can learn more about ourselves, appreciate what has gone wrong in the relationship and learn more about communicating in a more effective way in the future.
These insights can provide benefits in many other areas of our life.
Conflict and disagreement are often a fact of life.
Learning to handle those situations in a calm and appropriate manner is part of conducting successful adult relationships.
Being able to negotiate solutions to disagreements is important.
Equally though there may well be occasions when it is valid to call time and walk away from negative, destructive relationships.