The simple formula for what determines a relationship is: TIME + EXPERIENCE = OUTCOME During the time phase, we watch and listen.
Look for red flags.
Listen to what the other person says and see if "the hands match.
" Remember that people are not their words.
They are their behaviors.
A red flag is an indicator that there may be a pattern of behavior that is not good.
The Experience phase runs parallel to the Time phase.
During this time, again: Look and Listen.
Does the behavior that you are being promised by this person manifest? Or are you getting intermittent reinforcement, excuses, being dismissed/denied/ or diminished by the person? What percentage of the time are you having to deal with someone's bad behavior? It is important to track what is happening in the relationship and to see if certain relationship benchmarks are being met.
Is the relationship progressing well through the natural stages? Is he/she coming on too fast and then slacking once they think they've gotten you? (Remember, the faster someone rushes in, usually the faster they rush out.
) A honey moon phase in a relationship can repeat over and over, especially in abusive relationships.
It is how the abuser keeps the abused person "hooked in.
" (I call this the Merry Go Round Syndrome) Unhealthy pattern repetitions should be met with a quick turnaround and a swift walk away; regardless of how difficult it is.
I tell people who keep "going back for more" in a bad relationship that once the maladaptive pattern has been explained to them, they are no longer victims--they are volunteers.
The biggest internal discrepancies people have are the divisions between the head and the heart.
The head knows the person should be doing one thing, but the heart is pulling in the opposite direction.
This is how I define confusion.
She knows she should dump him but "I just can't help it.
I love him.
" And he knows what she is doing is not good for him, but "somehow being with her just makes me feel so alive and no other woman is this exciting.
" So, some people stay in really bad relationships until they just get so sick of it that they have to get out for their own self preservation, or it (sometimes literally) kills them.
This roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows is very addictive and people literally experience withdrawal symptoms when they try to get out of these relationships; which is why they keep going back "for more.
" The way this manifests in their lives is very similar to the way drug/alcohol abuse does: they get sick more often, can't think straight, their work performance suffers, their personal relationships suffer, their friends get fed up with them, they have obsessive thoughts about the other person, sleepless nights, nightmares...
you get the picture.
They'd rather die than be without ____________.
Hey, what can I say? Some people like Merry Go Rounds and roller coasters.
Some people like getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick, although they'd never admit it; but you understand what I'm saying here...