Every relationship has its baggage.
Every human being has their own set of challenges.
And when two people come together, that baggage creates issues.
To imagine there is a "perfect" person without baggage, is to hope for the impossible.
It's not possible for us, and it's not possible for them.
Accepting baggage, as routine, is a step forward in rational thinking.
There is only question we need to ourselves when bringing someone new into our lives; "Are these the types of issues I want to handle?" Meeting a romantic prospect is similar to buying a "blind item.
" At first glance, everything looks great.
We are able to estimate a certain level of value.
There is interest and appeal.
But, in the initial meetings, far too much information is missing to form an accurate assessment of what lies beneath the surface.
People tend to be on their best behavior when dating.
They present the person they think you want to see.
Only time, and on going interaction will reveal the complete picture.
I have determined certain things I can/will handle, and other things I cannot/will not handle.
Physical security and mental sanity are not things I will compromise for anyone.
Yet, the specifics of how that presents itself, is quite individualized.
We all have our "I don't want" lists.
I know mine.
But the funny thing about life, is that there are so many variations in baggage.
For me, an active alcoholic is an obvious "no.
" But, what about the amazing man from Spain, with Visa/Immigration issues? I have a girlfriend who loves to date guys in their mid-fifties.
Ex-wives and kids would be an issue for me.
Yet to her, it's just routine baggage.
Thankfully, we all have different preferences.
A guy can be great for me, and have baggage I can handle.
Yet, for someone else, he would be completely wrong.
Baggage comes in all shapes and sizes.
It's as varied as its owner.
The only important question to determine regarding weight vs.
worth, is in knowing what you can, and cannot, handle.
I ended a three-year relationship with a man who had "unchecked baggage.
" By that I mean, he was completely unconscious of his own "stuff.
" He was also incredibly loving and supportive.
He treated me wonderfully, and I feel grateful for the love we shared and all that he gave me.
When we hit a bump in the relationship road, he became over-reactive.
This sweet loving man would morph into rage.
Worse yet, he didn't want to know what was underneath his heightened reactivity.
He had a vague idea that it was based in fear, but that was the end of it.
As long as nothing happened again to bring it up, the monster would stay inside the cave.
But life has its own agenda.
Stuff happens.
Fears come up.
I couldn't begin to discuss any of this with him because it was "not allowed.
" Discussing my issues/reactions was okay, but his, even when glaringly present and obstructing our forward movement, was off-limits.
Even my existing status as a "relationship expert" couldn't help me in this case.
I sadly discovered what I had long told others...
that I could only go the level of consciousness, of my partner.
We needed mutual dialogue and mutual responsibility to make our relationship work.
Yes, I had a great guy who was not too terribly laden with heavy baggage.
But because his baggage was left unchecked, (and there was no willingness/openness on his part, for self-discovery), it was too heavy for both of us.
While it's true that the type of baggage must be workable for both partners, it's also true that both partners must be willing to work on their own baggage.
Baggage isn't just a label for other people's challenges.
It's also a label for the personal challenges we carry into a relationship.
One partner cannot do all the work.
Both are required to do their own inner work, while contributing to the continued effort of maintaining connection.
So, baggage is a truly two-sided issue.
We must attend to our life, and clean up as much as we can on our side of the street.
It's always an inside job.
Relationships are ultimately us, meeting ourselves through another.