It's night time.
She comes in from work.
Puts her bag down.
The eyes flare.
In a split second, you think 'Here we go again.
' The mania she doesn't notice has taken over her whole being, apart from a tender moment with one of the little ones.
The attacks will follow, escalate, after dinner as she drinks to still her mind.
(What can I do? is at the front of your mind.
How bad will it get? comes next, then Will the kids cope? follows, and your heart drops to your boots.
) When it's all calm, you reflect that you're clever enough to spot that one tiny sign of things about to run off the rails, but you're dumb enough (or loving enough, of course) to hang around while you get beaten about by verbal abuse and you try to protect your kids from the worst of the abuse they too will cop.
How much is enough and when is enough Enough To Leave? But it's an illness - you can't leave someone who's ill.
Can you? Too many questions, no time to contemplate while mania stretches her to topic after topic, blame after blame, why not after why not? And then it's 'Why don't you do x y or z?' Or 'You Always do k, l or c?' If this article looks a bit mad to most readers it will be thoroughly understood by the people I want to reach today.
People who know bipolar because they have watched it take over their loved one, time after time, only to subside of its own accord or because of treatment.
It has a language and an experience of its own, known only to those who live with it and a very few very clever doctors who listen to us.
So if you're weighing up how much you can help and how much your kids (and you) can stand versus how much you love the person, you can ask yourself four questions.
1.
Do I know if my loved one is having treatment, and following medical advice? If this person is not in treatment, you can try to persuade them, but remember the adage about dragging horses to water.
If they're on treatment but not taking their medication, they are actually deciding that they prefer the excitement and the angst of bipolar episodes.
They do have some realisation about the effect that has on those around them, but they don't act on it.
Think hard about that one.
2.
Do I know if my kids are actually being damaged or am I helping them cope well enough? You may not be able to answer that question, because you're too close to the action.
Take them all to an experienced mental health nurse or other counsellor whom you trust (trust is very important) and get their opinion.
Then go, all of you, to your local family doctor for his or her opinion.
Last, go to the school on your own and talk to all the relevant teachers - are my kids going okay? 3.
Am I staying with this person because I want to spend the rest of my life with them or am I staying because it's easier to stay, not rock the boat and avoid the wrath of the gods? This question you, and only you can answer.
Take your time, and consider the fourth question at the same time.
4.
'Do I know practical ways of coping, helping my kids cope and helping my partner to become healthier? And can I carry them out?' In other words, you need to weigh up what you have now and what you might have in the future.
Can you bring up your kids alone? Bipolar disorder doesn't always lead to marriage breakup.
But if you don't think through the issues, you'll end up blaming her for your inability to make a decision.
She didn't ask for the bipolar disorder, but neither did you.
So look on it as a shared problem that you can work on together, and even involve older children.
If your bipolar partner is in treatment and is adhering to instructions from the therapist or doctor, you have reached first base.
I will discuss how you can both work on the bipolar together in the next article.