It's over.
The rage and fury, the blame and shame, the sleepless nights and depression no longer are part of our days.
The papers are signed.
The divorce is over.
That door is closed behind us and we begin our new journey.
The months following divorce are almost eerie.
I recall feeling like a war had ended.
I could almost see the smoke of the dying fires enveloping the landscape of my home.
There was destruction everywhere: my kids were hurt, my finances were uncertain, my mind and body were exhausted, the boxes of financial papers and "evidence" were moved from the lawyer's office to my dining room table.
I took the lawyer's number off the speed dial.
I looked around at the pieces of recent life: the notebooks, friends numbers posted nearby in case of emergency, boxes of the ex's stuff stacked in a corner ready for Goodwill, dishes in the sink still untended from the last weekend, the bed unmade because I had to rush to the courtroom and was too nervous to tend to it.
The phone is not ringing off the hook from friends and family checking in anymore.
There is a conspicuous dent in the third finger where my ring used to sit.
It's over now.
The war has ended.
But where is the peace? And where does all this leave me? There is no rush to do anything following the days, or even months, after divorce.
The boxes and papers wait.
Changing the name on the mailbox or the utility bill isn't immediately imperative.
We don't have to check out the online dating sites, nor do we have to make changes to our appearance, jobs or relationships.
We don't have to decide today what our lives are going to look like as a single adult.
Nothing is going anywhere, it will all be there for us when we are ready to deal with it.
Give it time.
Healing is not an overnight process.
You will have all your answers in time.
This is a time to just be.
Divorce is one of the most traumatizing things we'll ever go through.
Our goal is to heal, and we will.
But first we must take the time to breathe.
Our emotional balance was pushed off center a long time ago.
It's time to begin creating the time and space to find that balance again.
We need to nurture ourselves in a way that will bring us glimpses of who we are at our core again.
From that solid center, from that deep but absolute place of Self, Being and Power, we will find the courage and strength to move forward again.
Personally, I abandoned my spiritual practices during the divorce.
I was in such shock, that I simply did not have the energy or focus to do it.
It took awhile to get back to it, too.
I felt the loss of the comfort of my spiritual community, but I needed something else: quiet.
I didn't really want to talk to people and give updates or even accept supportive hugs and gestures of love.
I just needed to be left alone.
I wanted to crawl into a corner somewhere on the other side of the planet and sleep.
The need to be alone is very normal, predictable and healthy behavior.
The extreme stressors of divorce shake us to our core.
It contributes to neurological overstimulation, physiological dysfunction, and countless physical symptoms.
Naturally we are drawn to avoiding more stimulation.
So we retreat to our homes or places of safety.
Listening to that part of us that needs to withdraw is a wonderful first step to healing.
It's a time to catch our breath before moving forward.
This is a time to assess the damage and evaluate our emotional and physical health.
It is a good time to make an appointment with the therapist, doctor, chiropractor or other healers to help with any dis-eases we had developed.
Getting back to healthy eating, sleeping and exercise will contribute to our overall health and recovery.
This is a particularly good time to sleep and rest to bring relief to the emotional and physical exhaustion.
A cocoon of stillness is a place to remember what peace looks like.
Revisiting the things that brought joy prior to the divorce--gardening, playing music, reading, building a fire in the fireplace, walking in nature--now seem like new hobbies, experienced in a different way than before.
They feel like old friends, and yet there is something different about it; our perception has changed.
We begin to see little glimpses of ourselves again in the occasional moments of drying a dish or turning the page of a book.
We catch our minds quieting, our thoughts more focused, the feeling of anxiety that was a pervasive companion, is lifting.
We can breathe a bit deeper.
Meditation helps quiet the chatter, helps us find that solid inner core again.
Simply breathing deeply for a few minutes while you are focused on something peaceful, like a tree, is good enough until you can build back up to the discipline of meditation.
I used to chant (to myself) while walking my dogs.
I chose this Sanskrit invocation: "Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu".
It means "May all the beings in all the worlds become happy".
I didn't really care about the world at that time, I cared about me.
I repeated that chant over and over with the intention of bringing joy and peace to all parts of me, all my cells, my breath, my thoughts.
It helped that the chant was in a different language.
I didn't even have to think the words.
I just repeated them and eventually felt their magic working inside my body.
It was a lovely practice that I still do today when I feel stressed.
The healing process is a long one.
But the journey through the process is awe-inspiring and necessary.
Our world has changed, and so have we.
These small, new awareness's of new boundaries, new choices, is our rebirth! The new butterfly is emerging from the chrysalis.
There are parts of us that will be awakened for the very first time! Changes don't happen overnight, but they do happen every day, bit by bit.
This new birth deserves to our presence and attention.
It would be a disservice to fill our attentions with distractions during this enormously important time in our lives.
The changes of puberty pale in comparison to the changes that go on after divorce.
Practice patience, and give great honor to this amazing new you!