Top 10 Ways to Recover Your Relationship (Part 2 of 3)

There is nothing like having the rug ripped out from under the feet of your heart to set a person on the road to heartache. Many times we blame the other person, God, or whatever for our pain but in reality it is us that choose to be either blinded by our pride or choose and unhealthy and destructive alternative to healing and learning from our experiences.

Of course we can curl up in a ball of pain and hide from the world, bury any and all issues, or go into states of self-righteous indignation and act out in rebellion. All of these choices lead to self-destruction and inhibit the growing process of our hearts and our soul's evolution. Living and loving outside our comfort zone is scary but it is also where life and certainly love live.

Sometimes we have to go beyond ourselves to grow and find ourselves, especially to find ourselves in the heart of another. So what do we do when it all goes wrong? Our heads are spinning and our hearts are shattered. It seems one of the great injustices of the world to be so brave to love and open our hearts to another and have that rejected or disappointed.

So after careful reflection and some deep soul searching to find the error of our ways (it takes two) just how is it that we can over come the Top 10 Reasons Relationships End? How is it that we can make peace with the one we love and maybe, just maybe give it a second or third or fourth or infinity try? Start by knowing some basic rules.

It has been said the first to say, "I am sorry" wins and no matter what the only appropriate answer is "I am sorry too." In love being right is not what is important and even when a person is right and they humble themselves enough to acknowledge that love is the greater of the two, they do, in fact, win. Too much self pride will destroy any relationship because the "I" is always bigger and more important than the "we" or "us". Too much pride can reach the point of being petty; greatness and pettiness do not occupy the same space. Love is the greatest because it is eternal (1 Corinthians 13:13) "and now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But greatest of these is love."

When pride is the issue it is we who choose to rip our own heart out for the sake of holding on to what is a smaller image of the self ego or "I" and not aspiring to the greatness of "us" and "we". The choices are, we can be proud and alone or humble ourselves and let others sing our praises. Think of the loyalty and love we have for those who stick beside us even when we are wrong, unconditional love is not about being right, ego, pride, or expectations.

Once these self checks have been made moving on and making the decision to reunite is a possibility. Consider the above as prerequisites to the below solutions which are in sequence of part 1 of this article the Top 10 Reasons Relationships End. Since getting out of trouble requires (minimally) twice the effort as getting into trouble Top 10 Ways to Recover a relationship is published in two parts.

First: If your love leaves you because they need life to open their eyes for them it is because you were being taken fore granted. Patience is best here. After a break up take time out for you to heal and get back in touch with yourself, no less than a 1 month dating detox. This does not mean sit around and eat a pound of chocolate a day or crawl in a bottle until the time is up.

Mark the day on your calendar as the absolute last day of your dating detox. This includes giving the other person time to come to their senses. In the mean time should they come back 1 month is a good sign that they have thought about it and then you both can discuss how you will both commit do doing things differently in the future but start slow! Words and actions are not the same. Let actions speak louder than words and show each other you are committed to change and each other.

Second: If your love is under pressure and they redirect their frustration on you, you have two choices: volunteer to help or stay out of the way! Ask them if they need help or time and space. However, if it is too late and they are already out the door with both fingers pointed at you as the cause of their frustration, pain, defeat, or misery, it is going to be very hard to reach this person. How many times do people forget  that to point one finger at someone else is to point 3 back at themselves?

Patience pays in this one too. If you were truly the cause of all their troubles they would recover their peace and happiness soon after leaving, right? It's a good idea to stay away from this one for a while to see where the cards fall. If they are happier without you, love them enough to let them go, and accept that there is a greater love out there somewhere for you. However, if they are not happy, one approach is to offer an olive branch of friendship and support. This will also help both of you to re-establish your friendship aspect of the relationship while also dispelling the thought that the other is the root cause of their troubles and is not supportive.

Third: If infidelity is the issue pride and trust must be addressed and toughly examined within the self before even considering reuniting. First, are you 100% sure they cheated? Second, even if they did is your love greater to overcome this breaking of your trust? Remember, forgiveness is essential in a relationship since the closer and longer we dance the more likely it is we will step on the others toes. If your love's nature is not to be monogamous (Gemini's are infamous for this) you have to ask yourself if you love this person enough to "share" them with others and very seriously consider the possible consequences. If you decide you are willing to share, make it known to them clearly but also be very clear about what you find acceptable, and both of you must agree on how you will communicate to each other about feelings, safety, and any other rules of engagement. Communication and mutual respect of agreements is the key.

However, if your love has been unfaithful out of rebellion or the thrill of seeing if they can get away with it, make no mistake this is an issue of being destructive and disrespectful to both you and themselves. Realize this for what it is and run as fast as you can in any direction but theirs because if you don't you will only have yourself to blame for the inevitable repeated hurt they will do to you.

Fourth: There is nothing wrong with having priorities and beliefs. However, if they left you because of them or are on the way out, your only choice is to ask yourself if there is some aspect of their priorities, beliefs, or cause that fits into who you see yourself to be and how you see yourself fitting into society and the world. Look at it from every angle. Can you get involved or be supportive and if so, how? Would you get a sense of accomplishment from it?

Here you must expand beyond yourself. Go outside your comfort zone and humble yourself even to the point of telling your love that you apologize and that you did not realize how important this is to them. Ask where you can learn more about it or if they will help you to understand what it means to them. Do some research then ask them their honest opinion of (since they know you) what they think might be a good place for you to start to get involved, contribute, or support  these priorities, beliefs, or causes they hold very dear. This is called understanding and appreciating their world and is the first step to getting back into their world in a healthy, mutually agreeable way.

Fifth: If you love leaves you for reasons of insecurity, lack of trust, or fear of vulnerability it is highly unlikely that they were emotionally healthy enough to have a healthy relationship in the first place. There are tests for STDs to know if we are healthy to have sexual relations but unfortunately no tests for healthiness of mind and heart.

Here once again the olive branch of friendship is your only hope. If accepted, in time they will see that your actions and words are one and the same. You can build trust and reliability to combat their insecurity; dependability to over come their fear of vulnerability. These will be your areas of focus. Integrity in this regard is paramount so if you are wavering at all in your commitment, don't waste your time and energy.

This one takes a lot of building up. Keep your eye out for any self-destructive or self-defeating tendencies on their part. If you notice either of these there is a very good chance that even though you may do everything right they will not allow themselves to be happy and absolutely will sabotage the relationship even  to the point of setting you up to fail in a "no win" situation.