About.com Rating



Anyone, young or old, that has ever wondered why their best friend didn't want to be friends anymore will get a lot out of Best Friends Forever by Irene Levine. Levine's book was voted by Friendship.About.com readers as their choice for favorite nonfiction book about friendship. The book has tips and personal stories that about breakups with everyone from lifelong friends to fast friends.

Are Female Friendship Breakups Different Than the Friendships Between Guys?

Levine says female friendships are more intense and intimate. Women like to share feelings and emotions with their friends, so when the relationship ends it is especially hard to deal with.

Many people feel completely lost when their friendship ends. Levine says the image of "best friends forever" holds with it an unrealistic ideal. The fact is, most friendships will end or at least change at some point, and attaching the "forever" expectation is a dangerous thing. She says that female friendships in particular are shown in the media as lasting forever, that teachers and parents and even other friends inadvertently reinforce this.

When a breakup between best friends happens, other friends make you feel guilty by asking what happened and wondering aloud why the two of you didn't stay as friends. And since your best friend is typically the person you'd go to in order to help heal yourself, it makes a breakup like this especially difficult. You're left feeling more alone because no one seems to really understand your breakup and you're left alone to sort through the emotions.

Getting Dumped by a Best Friend Hurts Over and Over Again

Levine provides valuable insight into why a best friend divorce seems to hurt so very much. She says: "Being dumped by a best friend doesn't hurt just once. On many levels, emotional, social, and physical, you are reminded continually of your former companion by her absence." For example, when you want to go out and have no one to call, when you're having a bad day and just want to call up a close friend you know you can vent to, or when you're feeling misunderstood.

She offers "Friendship Recovery Affirmations" that I thought were especially helpful. They include:

• Lost friendships are a part of life.
• Every broken friendship offers lessons to inspire better ones in the future.
• Closure doesn't take two; it's something you can work on independently.

I think that last affirmation is one many readers here will find especially helpful. Very often we're looking for "that last conversation" or we hope we can see our old friend just one more time so we can talk about what happened. You rarely get that opportunity, and what's more, you don't need it.

Romanticizing the Idea of a Best Friend

In order for a friendship to be solid and "take hold," Levine says there needs to be reciprocity. I enjoyed hearing this because I believe this is key to a friendship that is real. I feel people assume someone is a good friend when in fact all signs point to the fact that they aren't.

What's more, Levine believes that women in particular romanticize the notion of a best friend. It seems like the ideal that women are taught from a young age, and when that type of relationship is lacking in their lives, they might feel that they have failed at friendship. But the reality is that people can have a variety of friends and be happy. They don't need a best friend, and what's more, this type of relationship can be difficult to find.

Levine adds that "It's unlikely that any one individual can meet your needs, and it's more likely that you'll need friends for different reasons and seasons of your life."



Disclosure: A review copy was provided by the author. For more information, please see our Ethics Policy.