1. Your marriage will be tested much harder, much sooner and more frequently than those around you.

Three days before our wedding, we received our very first Motion to Modify court papers in the mail from the Ex’s attorney. A packet of documents informing my very soon to be husband his child support payments had been recalculated, and were now double the amount. Not exactly the hearts and roses the days leading up to nuptials should be filled with!


And so began the roller coaster of second marriage issues. The ride can be scary, and sometimes make you want to throw up. But have you ever noticed the more dangerous a roller coaster is, the more safety features there are? That’s kind of like a second marriage. We have to protect it from all the dangers it faces. Protection can come in many shapes and sizes…it can be keeping your distance from the Ex at a little league game, blocking them on social media, or making a pact with your spouse to not discuss the Ex or any issues pertaining to them after 8pm. There are many twists and turns to second marriages when kids are involved, and sometimes you can feel like your world is hanging upside down. Identify your weak spots, and agree on ways to deflect the bullets that are going to fly at your marriage. Figure out your safety plan, and stick to it.

2. You will love your spouse more than you ever thought you could.

Stepparents have no choice but to stand helplessly by and watch their spouse navigate the battlefield of shared custody.

All we can really do is support them, and be their safety net of comfort, happiness, and devoted love. The patience I see in my husband when dealing with his Ex and the determination he has to give me and his daughter a good life floors me. Sometimes I think my heart is going to explode I love him so much. Second spouses see their partners overcome emotional, mental, and financial obstacles, and there’s a very unique admiration that comes from those observations.

3. You will question your choice to do this.

And you will feel guilty doing that. I’ve had countless Stepmoms confess they’ve doubted their decision to be a Stepmom, and they wonder if it’s all worth it in the end. They feel stuck taking care of someone else’s kids, while they see their friends traveling, dating, or simply having free time! It’s okay to ponder over that Magic 8 Ball question of ‘was this the right path for me?’ It’s natural, and at moments in the trenches of stepparenting, I’ve wondered it too. It’s a hard job, no doubt. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and defeated, you need to give yourself a timeout. A big lesson I had to learn was that not all stepfamily issues are unique to stepfamilies. Sometimes they are just general family issues! I used to think if Stepdaughter had only one home, she wouldn’t act this way or that way…if this was my child she would not be throwing a tantrum right now…but the truth is…yes she would. She’s six. She’s going to have meltdowns. She’s going to test boundaries. She’s going to push buttons. Why? Because she’s a kid. Once I was able to separate my frustration and quit blaming the blended family lifestyle, I realized that parenting is hard no matter what. But being a Stepmom to this child meant that I got to be married to her Dad. And for me, that made my decision to stay the course pretty simple.