See Also:
• Global Warming Cartoons
• Funny Environmental Memes
• Latest Late-Night Jokes

"The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather — because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Many of the leaders and assistants to the leaders from around the world were in attendance at the U.N.

Climate Summit. They say this was arguably the most high-profile, significant meeting that will in no way change anything whatsoever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"About 400,000 people marched in New York today to draw attention to climate change. They held up signs and banners. They chanted things like 'Hey, hey, ho, ho, fossil fuels have got to go.' You know when somebody begins a chant with 'Hey, hey, ho, ho,' they mean business." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This crazy weather we've been having all over the country — it's because the polar vortex is back. The polar vortex is causing the Midwest to experience fall-like temperatures. I can't tell if climate change is still a problem or if God just put the Earth on 'Shuffle.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world's supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, 'OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night 'talkathon' on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change.

Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk — or as Al Gore calls that, 'a first date.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This morning President Obama announced a new 600-page proposal to lower carbon emissions and help stop global warming. Step one: Stop printing 600-page proposals." –Seth Meyers

"According to a report from the United Nations, the damage from global warming could be irreversible. It's clear we need to do something. We need to give the Earth the ice bucket challenge." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's primary season, which thanks to global warming, will soon be our last remaining season." –Stephen Colbert

"Former Vice President Al Gore is here tonight to talk some sense into us about climate change. My prediction: He will fail. Maybe if climate was spelled with a 'k' like Kardashian, we would pay attention. It isn't, so we don't." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a lot of talk about how global warming will be a disaster for future generations. When you think about it, it's hard to care. What have these future generations ever done for us?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah's Ark as evidence that global warming doesn't' exist. He said, 'If you're a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn't because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.' Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome." –Bill Maher

"This week's climate change talks are taking place in Poland and they're going to focus on China, the world's biggest polluter. However, that discussion may get awkward on Wednesday when China buys Poland." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says today's cold weather proves there's no global warming. Strictly speaking, global warming doesn't mean every day it's going to be raging hot or that every day is hotter than the year before. It's the same way that 'Celebrity Apprentice' doesn't mean you're going to see actual celebrities." –David Letterman

"There are these people they're calling 'debt ceiling deniers' – Republicans who have decided that, unlike every economist on the entire planet, maybe defaulting on our debt would be a good thing. First they didn't believe in evolution, then they didn't believe in global warming, and now the debt ceiling; what I like to call the 'moron trifecta.'" –Bill Maher

"A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy." –Jay Leno

"It was 123 degrees in Minnesota. How far is Al Gore going to take this global warming hoax?" –Bill Maher

"Everybody's mind is on Hurricane Sandy. The worst is over. Now people are discussing the cause. Sources say that it was partly caused by global warming. Meanwhile, Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election." –Craig Ferguson

"Last week, it was in the 20s, and yesterday it got up to 59 degrees. Crazy. I had to keep changing my outfit and my position on global warming." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, at the Copenhagen climate summit — where they talk about the environment, you know, saving the environment — the delegates had 1,200 limousines and 140 private jets, or as they call that in Malibu, 'Earth Day.'" –Jay Leno

"I know that traffic is insane out there. It's because of the United Nations climate week. And over 150 world leaders are here, including President Obama. It's good to see all these guys get in their separate cars, commuting back and forth to the U.N., to discuss ways to improve our climate." --Jimmy Fallon

"The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages." --Jay Leno

"Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'" --Jay Leno

"You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? She is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. Doesn't believe it is true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house. Maybe she really doesn't read all the newspapers." –David Letterman

"Well, here's an interesting study. Researchers in Britain announced today that global warming is caused in part by overweight people. They say obese people release more carbon dioxide into the air. No, this is real. This is real. See, all this time you used to think it was caused by coal-burning factories. Turns out it was Cheesecake Factories." --Jay Leno

"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet." --Jay Leno

"Hey, are you guys excited about the U.N. climate change conference in Copenhagen? Yeah! Starting today, President Obama said the U.S. can reduce carbon emissions by 17 percent by the year 2020. Then he was like, 'Of course, by then, I'll be out of office, so I can promise anything I want. By 2020, a free Xbox for every man, woman and child. By 2040, a Megan Fox clone for every dude. Not my problem, call President Timberlake.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to fight global warming. Congratulations to Al Gore. ... Not to be outdone, today the oil companies named President Bush 'Man of The Year.'" --Jay Leno

"The Bush White House is now demanding Congress move quickly on a new treaty to allow more Arctic oil drilling, 'cause they say the melting polar ice caps means more oil is easily available. See, this combines the two things the administration loves -- global warming and drilling for oil." --Jay Leno

"Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun" --David Letterman