As the young couple softly smiled at each other they said, "I'll love you till death do us part," each experiencing the starry-eyed innocent expectations that t they felt would be a permanent part of their relationship.
Ten years later they find themselves wondering why it all went wrong.
Where did the magic she felt when he walked into the room go? When did he stop smiling inside when someone asked him about her? The National Center for Health Statistics reports on their website that The United State's divorce rate shows half of all marriages ending in divorce.
Many of the reasons people marry can reflect why they divorce as well.
Emotional support, sexual gratification, companionship and economical support are said to be needed to ensure a happy marriage, but in most cases unhappy marriages end because they do not provide a setting for these needs to be fulfilled.
Although the decision to divorce may be mutual, some people are not prepared for the emotions that follow the decision to end a relationship.
Both parties are going to feel a sense of worthlessness; while being married tends to make one feel chosen and loved, these feelings are now replaced with feelings of abandonment and failure as a spouse and as a parent.
Divorce does affect both men and women equally; the pain over the loss of a loved one affects all those who choose to end a marriage.
There are certain problems and circumstances; however that may pertain to one sex or the other.
Women may feel helpless and unattractive, and if married for a long time may feel a loss of identity.
Divorced women who have custody of the children seem required to have the "Super-Mom" title; working at a job, child-raising and scheduling.
The thought of having time for healing and re-entering the real world seems next to impossible.
Women have to adjust to the financial shock that they are now responsible for their own lives and possibly for those of their children.
For the first time in their lives they may be doing such tasks as yard work and repairs to the home.
Having to maintain a sense of harmony for the children when her life is so dismantled undoubtedly adds stress to an already fragile situation.
Women do tend to be able to talk about problems with others as a way of coping which is why women often will seek counseling as a means to handle difficult times.
Unfortunately, during the early stages of divorce when comradely would be welcome, many friends tend to feel pressure to draw sides.
Friends may feel threatened by a "single" woman, and family members of her own (as well as her ex-husband) many not understand nor support her decision.
Although both sexes feel the loss of identity, women may experience it more deeply.
Men do not have it any easier than women when it comes to divorce.
In fact, men often take divorce harder than most people think.
The main reason may be that most men are not conditioned to show their pain and ask for help.
Also, most men are not the custodial parents and being away from their children most of the time leaves them with an even larger void to fill than women who have custody of the children.
This trend of mothers getting custody is changing rapidly as fathers fight for the right to raise their children as well.
Overcoming the obstacle of missing the children and the usual family setting requires more of an adjustment than expected.
Non- custodial fathers tend to retain the responsibility for financial support to the children without most of the pleasures.
Men for the most part do not enter into therapy until after the divorce is final.
Being raised to believe men do not show emotion and are afraid to express it to others continues to keep them consumed with the pain.
Displaying grief has been an accepted behavior for women, but for men it has been said to show weakness.
Showing anger and hostility for loss are acceptable behavior for men, but do not contribute to acceptance and the ability to vent the sorrow.
Men who do not resolve their grief but choose instead to push it away from view often find that it will resurface again when a new loss arises.
The most helpful trend that has changed in society has been in giving men the knowledge that they are not alone in their emotions.
Giving them permission to have them and feel them has proven to be the most successful road to recovery for them.
A study conducted at Yale University explained that although all people tend to show an increase in depression following separation or loss, men have a higher increase per group.
Many therapists find a way to help men who are unable to open up and seek help by finding alternate forms of self-help.
By suggesting that men begin a journal with entries recorded only as they feel needed to write, can give them feedback on their feelings without the feared criticism of others.
Through writing, a person is able to better understand their life and refocus on what he plans to do in the future.
Writing has been shown to release the anger penned up inside both men and women and to help them accept their share of the blame.
For most people, getting a divorce is similar to experiencing a death, with each having the same results.
Feelings of loss and grief, depression, guilt, anger, self-hatred, loss of self-esteem, fear, anxiety, regret, isolation and loneliness are all understandable emotions when one finds themselves in the middle of a divorce.
A divorcing man in many cases loses more than a spouse, for he tends to lose a family, a history, a past, a future, and perhaps most important of all, an identity.
As a couple, a husband and wife tended to grow in tandem -- to learn new habits, give up old ones, and even to alter their own personality traits in order to"fit" more like the person with whom they have chosen to spend the rest of their lives.
More than in any other relationship, we find validation of ourselves in marriage.
Social identity is something that also changes when you become single again.
As a couple, over a period of time one acquires an extended family and a circle of friends.
As a single person, a man is forced involuntarily to make new contacts in a cold, unfamiliar world he never expected to again be a part of.
Although divorce has been compared to death, nothing is done to finalize the ending of a marriage.
You make arrangements to meet with lawyers and real estate agents, you go to the courthouse, and within a short period of time your whole life has changed.
Until now, society has told you to "deal with it and get on with your life.
" Adrian R.
Tiemann compared divorce to an amputation of an arm, in that it may be the best solution at the time, but does not restore the person to full functioning.
There are two different "divorces" a couple go through when getting divorced: one being a "legal" divorce that is recognized by the rest of the world as a detachment of partners; and the "emotional" divorce which is a psychological unraveling and subsequent re-weaving of their lives.
The first divorce, one which is finalized in a courtroom, is one of "legal dissolution" of the marriage.
Although neither divorce is painless to encounter, the second divorce is the emotional break up and as such, the invisible work of grieving for the past, coming to terms with the present and planning for the future which can take much longer to recover from.
Emotional divorce involves withholding bonding emotions and communication from the relationship, and replacing them with feelings and behaviors of alienation.
Rather than reinforce the feelings of self-esteem as they once did, each partner tries to undermine the other with accusations of blame for the problems they are now experiencing.
Feelings of disappointment, failure and rejection are shared by both as they try to come to terms with the ending of a marriage.
For many, divorce is not just a separation of two married people.
It rips apart the whole fabric and foundation of their lives, such as the interweaving of friends, families, children's friends, and even household pets.
The first step to mourning loss whether it be from divorce or death, is denial and shock -- intense feelings of numbness as if a part of the survivor has died.
Wishing for the return to a life without pain, wishing for what might have been, and feeling the loss of the active role of partner are felt, as well as sadness over the divorce.
Blame is transferred to others, the situation itself, and to the survivor themselves in an effort to understand why this happened to them.
Having a deep commitment to another person for so long may hinder a complete separation from their partner and may require a person to resign themselves to the failure of the relationship rather than accept it.
The last two stages are renewal and good-bye, for they represent a rebirth of the divorced person.
In renewing, a survivor is able to relate to others again and risk another relationship.
The final stage of overcoming divorce for many is when a person and their ex-spouse are able to take responsibility for their own role in the dissolution of the marriage, to forgive their mate and themselves, and to begin to rebuild their lives.
Dealing with the past is a big part of recovery, to reach a point when you no longer dwell on the past and look forward to the future.
It is at this time we are able to start the rebirth of ourselves and begin to love again.