Updated June 08, 2015.

It’s been 5 years since my last cigarette! What a ride! Every January, I do my best to write something that might help someone realize the same freedom I now cherish. Here’s my best effort this year.

When I was 32 years old, I was diagnosed with severe and advanced disc disease in my back. I wouldn’t know until a year after I quit that there is a strong link between smoking and degenerative disc disease (DDD).

I felt relieved and blessed that I’d already found my freedom from nicotine, and I had hoped that since I had quit smoking, perhaps my disc disease would get better or at least not get worse. There wasn’t much literature regarding the long-term effects of smoking cessation on disc disease, so I really didn’t know what to expect. Unfortunately, I didn’t get better. My disc disease has gotten progressively worse and has now affected the discs in my neck. I’ve had 3 spinal surgeries to date and there will likely be more.

This year, I’m sharing what is probably the most personal part of my smoke-free journey. I’m sharing it because I think it is a part of the cessation process for many. This past year for me has been about coming to terms with the fact that my active addiction to nicotine caused me lasting harm. It’s about regrets and the role they played in my recovery process. I am thankful every day that I do not have a life-threatening illness. DDD is, however, life altering, and I take full responsibility for it.

What I stopped doing this year, though, was beating myself up over it. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so by the end of my first smoke-free year, I had made peace with my regrets, with the exception of having caused my own illness. I even began to see a correlation between my pain level and my shame level. I was stuck…spinning my wheels and making no progress.

Then, at a time when I was feeling particularly ashamed of myself, a very dear friend wrote this to me:

• "...in the grand scheme of things, I think our choices are always a path for growth. Even those choices that seem like mistakes. Challenging results due to choices we've made can be very powerful teachers. I do believe that we're all here to use this rich environment to help us evolve and grow on a soul level, and when you look at it that way, there are no mistakes, only lessons."

Powerful stuff! She went on to say...

• "Use your regret as a tool to help you move forward, but don't get stuck in it. There is a greater purpose and truth to be gained from your choices than regret."

Thank you, (((Terry))) for helping me put some things in perspective. I’ll always be grateful. So, year 5 has been about identifying the lessons my smoking-related illness has taught me.

• I have broadened my belief in "one day at a time" to "one day at a time in all things."

• Quitting smoking taught me to be patient with myself, and this past year has taught me more of the same.

• I have learned that I am stronger in mind and spirit than I thought I was.

• My sense of gratitude for my freedom has multiplied, as I absolutely believe that I would be feeling much worse if I were still smoking.

• I’ve learned that acceptance is not defeat, but rather one of the keys to a happier future.

• I have a greater appreciation for all my blessings, and I count them daily.

This is really just the tip of the iceberg, but I think you probably get the idea. Those of you who suffer with a smoking-related illness may identify with some of what I’ve written. I hope that in time, each of you will make peace with whatever your reality is. I have made peace with mine. It feels good and it feels right; I think I have learned many of the lessons I was meant to learn, and I forgive myself.

Now, I just have to thank a few people who mean the world to me. (((Mom aka Betty)), thanks for being there for me always. As I see you coming up on 9 months smoke-free, I couldn’t be more proud of you or happier for you! I love you.

Terry, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your hard work for and dedication to our magical quitters’ haven. To the Mod Squad ( T., Lesly, Anne, Gaylene, Tammy, Linda, and Kerri) I offer HUGE thanks for your friendship, guidance, support and love.

Thank you to every person here who has made it just a little easier for someone else to quit smoking. The magic of this forum lives in the generous hearts and souls of all of you, and my wish is that each of you find your journey as rewarding and fulfilling as mine has been so far.

Adapted from The Woman’s Book of Spirit, by Sue Patton Thoele (Conari, 2006).

• One of the most effective ways to bleed our spirit-energy away is to impale ourselves on the twin swords of blame and non-forgiveness. Therefore, the ability to forgive ourselves is essential to our soul’s growth. Forgiveness originally meant “to return good treatment for ill usage,” which reminds one of the beautiful saying:
  
  "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the hand that has crushed it."

With Love and Gratitude, Mic

More from Michelle:
Michelle's Quit Story
Michelle's 1 Year Milestone
Michelle's 2 Year Milestone
Michelle's 3 Year Milestone
Michelle's 4 Year Milestone
Patience With the Process
A Perspective on Using NRT's
There is No Substitute for Time
Depression When You Quit Smoking
Smoking and Degenerative Disc Disease