We've known our elder was suffering from dementia for many years.
We waffled back and forth about telling her about her illness.
Would it be fair, would it scare her and how should we approach it.
This is what we came up with.
What is Dementia? Before we can talk about the disease and it's progress we have to understand it ourselves.
Age and time are gradually stealing our elder's memories.
They are adding things to her memory that never happened.
Sometimes this is extremely unpleasant.
This isn't a disease that will get better.
As time passes we have seen it get worse.
As it progresses she loses more and more of her ability to function.
Walking is nearly impossible now.
Getting into and out of a car takes two people assisting.
It will continue that way.
How to tell: Never talk about this when angry.
A dementia patient still knows how to press buttons and it might be tempting to say something.
Don't.
It won't help either party.
Wait until there is a calm time without a lot of other people listening.
When to tell: To be honest, this should be the doctor's call and the first diagnosis and explanation of the disease should be done at that time by the doctor.
Good luck.
Out of eight doctors or assorted caseworkers none have come out and told her the diagnosis.
That leaves it up to the family.
Because she was so high functioning we did not tell her at first.
I'm not sure if it was fair or not but it seemed to me that telling her would make it progress faster.
Once she had to move away from home she had to be told.
This did not go over well the first time we told her.
I doubt it goes over well when anyone gets told they have this condition.
The problem: Due to the nature of the disease our elder does not remember being told she has dementia, even though we have quietly and carefully gone over it with her whenever she asks.
Every time she brings it up it is the first she's heard of it, even if we've said the same things a dozen times.
We can't react like that.
Tact: There are those what argue that I don't have any but when it comes to this issue it is a must.
Each phrase has to be carefully chosen to help our elder understand why she is where she is.
She forgets some things and adds in others and it can be very difficult.
This talk is one of the worst we children must have with our parents.
There are some that are harder but believe me at this point that talk is the hardest I've ever had to do.