Divorce is Not the Answer to a Bad Marriage
Usually getting a divorce when things are not going well is like hauling your car to the junk-yard when you have a leaky vacuum hose.
The car will act like it's on its last leg but the repair needed is about as minimal as it gets.
True, if you don't know what is causing the problem with your car you can be fooled into thinking the problem is much greater, but that's why an honest repair shop is very useful.
Someone trained in mechanics will help you out very quickly.
It is the same for your marriage.
If things are not very shaky it is likely that the problem is small and easily fixable.
But because there is so little expertise in the marriage world people just give up and haul their family to the junk-yard, also known as divorce court.
It is almost always a big mistake.
What you don't know can hurt you A few weeks ago I rented Zoolander, a comedy spoof about male models.
They were portrayed as dumb, really dumb.
In one scene they were trying to find the files in a computer and couldn't figure out how to open the computer to get them, so one of them picked up the computer and smashed it on the floor in hopes that the files would come out.
Not knowing the first thing about computers was the culprit that destroyed a perfectly good computer.
Not knowing the first thing about marriage is the culprit that destroys perfectly good families.
We live in a cause and effect world Most knowledge in our world is gained through experience.
There are two kinds of experience, personal and vicarious.
Personal experience is the hard kind.
Usually there is some pain involved because we do something incorrectly and there is an unpleasant effect.
Vicarious experience is a lot easier on the bones.
If you walk to the edge of a cliff and prepare to dive in but someone warns you there are sharp rocks just below the surface you have just had a vicarious experience and it possibly saved your life.
But certainly you can see that there is ALWAYS an effect from EVERY behavior.
Through the accumulation of wisdom, or knowledge, you lower the dangers of living.
Life doesn't get less dangerous but you have gotten wiser to the cause and effects of most situations.
All of your behaviors in marriage have effects too.
Learning the difference between good actions and bad actions from someone who knows is a very practical tact to take.
Marital problems come from not knowing Despite the advances our society has made in the areas of science the area of marital science has not kept up with our needs.
Modern psychology focuses on diseases of the mind so misses the needs of those who just need a basic owner's manual.
Psychologists look for the cause of the problems in the only place they were trained to look, in the mind.
But the simple reality is that problem-solving is much simpler.
The problems are caused by lack of knowledge.
If nobody ever showed you how to turn on a computer and explained what a file is you are not insane because you expect to find a physical file.
Similarly, if your marriage is freaking out you probably just need to know what you are doing wrong so you can stop undermining your family's happiness.
Education, not therapy I have never 'therapized' anyone towards a happy marriage and I have rarely failed to get couples back on track.
In fact most couples I worked with were fine within a few hours.
Now that I have written Lessons For A Happy Marriage most people don't even need to ask marriage saving questions.
Some like to get a deeper understanding for personal reasons but most only want to have a healthy family so have enough from the book.
When you know how it works you will know what to do; it is that simple.
Remember these few things
The car will act like it's on its last leg but the repair needed is about as minimal as it gets.
True, if you don't know what is causing the problem with your car you can be fooled into thinking the problem is much greater, but that's why an honest repair shop is very useful.
Someone trained in mechanics will help you out very quickly.
It is the same for your marriage.
If things are not very shaky it is likely that the problem is small and easily fixable.
But because there is so little expertise in the marriage world people just give up and haul their family to the junk-yard, also known as divorce court.
It is almost always a big mistake.
What you don't know can hurt you A few weeks ago I rented Zoolander, a comedy spoof about male models.
They were portrayed as dumb, really dumb.
In one scene they were trying to find the files in a computer and couldn't figure out how to open the computer to get them, so one of them picked up the computer and smashed it on the floor in hopes that the files would come out.
Not knowing the first thing about computers was the culprit that destroyed a perfectly good computer.
Not knowing the first thing about marriage is the culprit that destroys perfectly good families.
We live in a cause and effect world Most knowledge in our world is gained through experience.
There are two kinds of experience, personal and vicarious.
Personal experience is the hard kind.
Usually there is some pain involved because we do something incorrectly and there is an unpleasant effect.
Vicarious experience is a lot easier on the bones.
If you walk to the edge of a cliff and prepare to dive in but someone warns you there are sharp rocks just below the surface you have just had a vicarious experience and it possibly saved your life.
But certainly you can see that there is ALWAYS an effect from EVERY behavior.
Through the accumulation of wisdom, or knowledge, you lower the dangers of living.
Life doesn't get less dangerous but you have gotten wiser to the cause and effects of most situations.
All of your behaviors in marriage have effects too.
Learning the difference between good actions and bad actions from someone who knows is a very practical tact to take.
Marital problems come from not knowing Despite the advances our society has made in the areas of science the area of marital science has not kept up with our needs.
Modern psychology focuses on diseases of the mind so misses the needs of those who just need a basic owner's manual.
Psychologists look for the cause of the problems in the only place they were trained to look, in the mind.
But the simple reality is that problem-solving is much simpler.
The problems are caused by lack of knowledge.
If nobody ever showed you how to turn on a computer and explained what a file is you are not insane because you expect to find a physical file.
Similarly, if your marriage is freaking out you probably just need to know what you are doing wrong so you can stop undermining your family's happiness.
Education, not therapy I have never 'therapized' anyone towards a happy marriage and I have rarely failed to get couples back on track.
In fact most couples I worked with were fine within a few hours.
Now that I have written Lessons For A Happy Marriage most people don't even need to ask marriage saving questions.
Some like to get a deeper understanding for personal reasons but most only want to have a healthy family so have enough from the book.
When you know how it works you will know what to do; it is that simple.
Remember these few things
- Your spouse is the most important person in the world
- Loving action and thoughts will greatly sweeten your life
- Being your spouse's best friend and support will bring great rewards
- Anger and other meannesses of the heart are personal and family cancers
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