We're human.
We want certain situations and jobs and people to want us in the same way we want them.
And sometimes this doesn't happen.
And yes, sometimes that totally hurts.
Rejection is one of the worst and most unavoidable parts of life and it doesn't just happen when you're single.
As long as you're growing and moving forward, it's bound to happen at times.
Since it's pretty inevitable that you'll have to deal with rejection at some point in your dating life, here are eight steps on how to deal with it and emerge even stronger than before.
1.
Admit that you feel rejected.
He didn't call you back.
She never returned the email you sent her.
Or worse, they just came right out and said you weren't what they were looking for.
As appealing as it may be to make a bunch of excuses for this person's behavior, all this does is prolong the hurt.
Bypass the analysis and just admit that you feel rejected.
2.
Admit that it sucks.
Rejection sucks.
Why waste time and energy pretending it doesn't? Don't tell yourself the person or situation didn't really matter to you.
IT DID.
Don't try to sugarcoat how you're feeling.
YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP.
Feeling awful when you don't get something that you really wanted is completely normal.
It feels horrible and that's okay.
That's how it works.
Dogs bark, birds fly and rejection sucks.
3.
Feel rejected.
I know you're probably wondering what I'm getting at here, but I literally mean feel your rejection.
Sit there and let yourself feel it.
The longer you push down the feeling and try NOT to feel it, the more it persists.
And often it persists in actions that make us feel even worse (like eating an entire box of Girl Scout cookies).
4.
Become an observer of how your body feels when you feel rejected.
That's right.
I'm going to borrow a line from Eckhart Tolle and tell you to be "the watcher.
" As you're letting yourself actually feel the rejection, watch what happens to your physical body WITHOUT JUDGMENT (or at least as little judgment as possible).
What does your head feel like when you feel rejected? Your neck? Your shoulders? Your chest? Your stomach? Go through your entire body and see where there's tension or pressure or heat or a sense of cold.
If it helps, you can say these observations out loud or write them down.
Whatever you decide to do, make sure you observe your body and the effect rejection has on it.
NOT TO JUDGE IT but just to observe it.
5.
Take a harmless physical action that makes you feel better.
Maybe you want to go for a walk or cry or write a letter to the SOB who just rejected you and then rip it up into little pieces.
Go ahead and do it.
6.
Do something really nice for yourself.
Julia Cameron has some of the best advice.
In The Artist's Way, she tells new artists that as soon as they feel rejected to go out and do something incredibly nice for themselves.
I agree.
Buy yourself some flowers, go see a movie you've wanted to see or spend some time at your favorite park.
You're hurt.
So be gentle with yourself.
7.
Get yourself some love and empathy.
7a.
Confide in a "validator".
(If you don't have a validator, proceed to 7b.
) A "validator" is a trusted person with whom you can share a hurt and who will validate your feelings.
(Validator is not a real word but I think it fits).
Exercise caution with this step.
NOT because it doesn't help to process a rejection with someone else-it does.
In fact an empathetic response can help you faster than any of the aforementioned steps.
But I would advise you to do this VERY CAREFULLY.
A lot of people I know seem to be very confused about who the "validators" are in their lives.
I've noticed that after a rejection, they often turn to people who only make the situation worse.
Don't call the person who's going to lecture you and tell you that you're being ridiculous.
Instead, find a validator and tell that person how much this rejection hurts.
If you don't have a validator in your life, don't worry.
Just go to part b.
And if you do have a validator, it certainly wouldn't hurt to complete part b as well.
7b.
Be the one who loves and accepts you.
Do something that inspires acceptance, love and confidence.
A friend of mine says she always feels totally and unconditionally loved by her dog.
After a rough day, she goes for a walk with her canine.
I know I feel totally accepted when I'm with my meditation group.
Maybe when you play a sport, you have all of the confidence in the world.
Whatever it is, find a way to give yourself the love and acceptance you are craving.
8.
Remember, this too shall pass.
In Vipassana (the type of meditation I do), we are taught to say "Anicca" during our practice.
Anicca refers to the changing nature of all things-it is a reminder that everything will pass.
No matter how bad the rejection, no matter how much you hurt, no matter how much it sucks right now, you can take some comfort in knowing that it won't last forever.
It couldn't possibly.
And once you recover, you may be surprised to realize that you'll find something that suits you even better.