Your first export order is in.
Finally, you're an international player.
Vistas of overseas offices open before you.
Maybe you should invest in an open sports car so that you can drive over with a girl in dark sunglasses and a white headscarf.
This time next year Rodney...
OK, it's possible I'm describing my fantasies, not yours, but those kind of thoughts certainly ran through my mind when I received my first order from faraway places with strange-sounding names.
Closely followed by, "Damn, I hope I'm going to get paid.
" Fortunately, the buyer was co-operative, and the details of how I received my just rewards were quickly resolved.
Nothing to this export thing, don't know what all the fuss is about.
An invoice in Euros? Certainly! Somewhere around here, the first cracks began to appear.
I admit that I had to go Googling to find out how to make a Euro symbol appear on my invoice (To save you looking, hold Ctrl-Alt and press $).
Success! Now to raise a Euro invoice...
Not so easy.
After a friendly chat with Sage Technical Support, and the creation of a new invoice template, I found myself equipped to export.
Equipped, that is, in the same way that Robert Falcon Scott was equipped to reach the South Pole.
Roald Amundsen was fully equipped to reach the South Pole.
A subtle distinction, but telling.
I'd established that my customer was VAT registered, and had a vague idea that therefore I shouldn't charge VAT.
A browse around the direct.
gov Website revealed the following useful snippet: "If you supply goods to another EU country these sales are technically known as dispatches or removals rather than exports.
The term 'exports' is reserved to describe sales to a country outside the EU...
If you're sending goods to someone who is genuinely registered for VAT in the destination EU country, you can zero-rate the supply for VAT purposes.
" OK, well it's disappointing to find that I'm not really an exporter yet, but at least I know what to do about the VAT.
Now to explain it to my Sage system.
My impressive Euro-based invoice (I've even managed to get my logo on there!) nit-pickingly insists on charging VAT.
I've managed to turn this off, but I can foresee uncomfortable conversations with HMRC, so it's time for another chat with those nice people at Technical Support.
Ah, of course - I need to set up a new department! You spotted that straight away didn't you? No, nor me.
One thing you'll quickly learn is that HMRC takes a dim view of your having the temerity to sell things to Johnny Foreigner.
In fact, they have a complete statistical department dedicated to analysing how many of us transgressors are lurking out there.
It's for their benefit that you need to create a "Value Added Tax EC Sales List.
" And to persuade Sage to do that you have to create this new department.
I knew this export business was good for growth - I haven't issued an invoice yet, and I've already got a department for it! Just as well, because as soon as you put your first VAT return in, your admin load is going to increase.
Your new Export (Sorry, Removals) Department now has to submit a monthly EC Sales List.
Excellent, that'll keep them busy.
As a new expert in carpet tile removals to EU countries, I felt reasonably confident when another overseas order popped up from the Website.
Someone in Qatar wanted a large shipment of carpet tiles.
How hard could that be? Well, bearing in mind that my foray into EU supplies resulted in an HMRC inspection (coincidence? Hmm, maybe), it occurred to me that export to countries outside the EU might actually be an imprisonable offence.
In my next article I'll tell you how I got on - cell inspections allowing.