How To Tell Somebody They Need Anger Management - Part 1: Telling The Person
In Part 1 of this article I will make some suggestions on how best to tell a person that they need anger management.
These are simply not suggestions plucked out of thin air but knowledge I have gained over the years from advising people in all types of anger management for all sorts of situations.
Part 2 of the article details the four types of reaction that the person we are advising will likely have, while parts 3-6 discusses what we should do when faced with these reactions.
HOW BEST TO TELL A PERSON THAT THEY COULD BENEFIT FROM ANGER MANAGEMENT As I have already said, this is unpredictable ground but it is hoped that following these suggestions could help make an awkward situation less troublesome and stop anger getting out of control.
TIMING IS IMPORTANT - Choose a good time to tell the person.
There is little point advising them when they are stressed as this will simply be counter-productive.
Telling them just before they walk out the front door on their way to work or when busy is not good as the request may simply be seen as nagging and is likely to be ignored.
Under no circumstances attempt to make this suggestion straight after an argument or other angry incident - as this could inflame an already stressful situation and make the person feel guilty and self-conscious.
It is best to try and find a quiet place and time, sit down to discuss the situation.
BE CALM AND SENSITIVE - While we are likely to feel a little uncomfortable or even embarrassed telling the person, they may have this feeling to a far larger degree than us.
Try to sit down privately and discuss the situation calmly dropping the anger management suggestion into the conversation.
A good time could be after the children have gone to bed when the house is quiet or while taking a short stroll in the local park or countryside.
Try not to be too far from home when you talk to the person just in case they do storm-off in a temper leaving you alone - something that could happen depending on the way they take the situation.
By staying local you will be close to home to walk back to or they will be able to get back home easily when they calm down.
NEVER SAY THAT THE PERSON NEEDS ANGER MANAGEMENT IN THE 'HEAT OF THE MOMENT' - While it may be tempting to shout at the person when they are feeling angry -for instance during an argument when tensions are running high- the response in this type of situation will be a resounding 'no'.
This is also counter-productive as raising this topic at the height of a stressful situation -where the person is already likely to feel vulnerable and very defensive- will also mean that it is difficult to raise the topic again when things have calmed down.
The whole discussion area will have now become tainted and any talk of anger management will likely be met with a hostile response.
WHEN DISCUSSING ANGER MANAGEMENT, BE SURE TO DISCUSS THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF THEIR PERSONALITY RATHER THAN JUST THE NEGATIVES - None of us like to hear the truth which at times can be very painful, but in this type of situation honesty is the best way forward.
Simply ignoring a serious anger problem is only likely to lead to further anger and more stress.
It is a vicious cycle that needs to be broken.
When discussing anger and especially at the stage when anger management is a suggested option; try to make clear the positive aspects of the person's personality rather than just focusing on the negatives.
Yes we may need to explain that they lose their temper and may scare the children or ourselves, but also stress that they are a good parent when they are not angry (if they are one of course).
Whatever the negatives surround their anger are; try to focus on at least one positive personality trait.
This does two things: firstly it can help diffuse any anger that comes as a result of suggesting anger management and secondly, telling someone they need anger management is not good for their self-esteem.
The chances are that they will be feeling very self conscious at this point, maybe even reflecting on all the negative anger they have shown in past weeks, months or even years.
By highlighting positive aspects of their personality allows them to maintain a little positive thought about themselves and show that they are valued.
These are just a few very basic suggestions that have helped people over the years.
Of course, each and every one of us is different and each situation will require a slightly different approach - but sticking to these basic principles should help make this situation slightly less awkward.
Part 2 of this article will now turn to the four common responses we are likely to receive when people are asked to seek anger management advice.
These are simply not suggestions plucked out of thin air but knowledge I have gained over the years from advising people in all types of anger management for all sorts of situations.
Part 2 of the article details the four types of reaction that the person we are advising will likely have, while parts 3-6 discusses what we should do when faced with these reactions.
HOW BEST TO TELL A PERSON THAT THEY COULD BENEFIT FROM ANGER MANAGEMENT As I have already said, this is unpredictable ground but it is hoped that following these suggestions could help make an awkward situation less troublesome and stop anger getting out of control.
TIMING IS IMPORTANT - Choose a good time to tell the person.
There is little point advising them when they are stressed as this will simply be counter-productive.
Telling them just before they walk out the front door on their way to work or when busy is not good as the request may simply be seen as nagging and is likely to be ignored.
Under no circumstances attempt to make this suggestion straight after an argument or other angry incident - as this could inflame an already stressful situation and make the person feel guilty and self-conscious.
It is best to try and find a quiet place and time, sit down to discuss the situation.
BE CALM AND SENSITIVE - While we are likely to feel a little uncomfortable or even embarrassed telling the person, they may have this feeling to a far larger degree than us.
Try to sit down privately and discuss the situation calmly dropping the anger management suggestion into the conversation.
A good time could be after the children have gone to bed when the house is quiet or while taking a short stroll in the local park or countryside.
Try not to be too far from home when you talk to the person just in case they do storm-off in a temper leaving you alone - something that could happen depending on the way they take the situation.
By staying local you will be close to home to walk back to or they will be able to get back home easily when they calm down.
NEVER SAY THAT THE PERSON NEEDS ANGER MANAGEMENT IN THE 'HEAT OF THE MOMENT' - While it may be tempting to shout at the person when they are feeling angry -for instance during an argument when tensions are running high- the response in this type of situation will be a resounding 'no'.
This is also counter-productive as raising this topic at the height of a stressful situation -where the person is already likely to feel vulnerable and very defensive- will also mean that it is difficult to raise the topic again when things have calmed down.
The whole discussion area will have now become tainted and any talk of anger management will likely be met with a hostile response.
WHEN DISCUSSING ANGER MANAGEMENT, BE SURE TO DISCUSS THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF THEIR PERSONALITY RATHER THAN JUST THE NEGATIVES - None of us like to hear the truth which at times can be very painful, but in this type of situation honesty is the best way forward.
Simply ignoring a serious anger problem is only likely to lead to further anger and more stress.
It is a vicious cycle that needs to be broken.
When discussing anger and especially at the stage when anger management is a suggested option; try to make clear the positive aspects of the person's personality rather than just focusing on the negatives.
Yes we may need to explain that they lose their temper and may scare the children or ourselves, but also stress that they are a good parent when they are not angry (if they are one of course).
Whatever the negatives surround their anger are; try to focus on at least one positive personality trait.
This does two things: firstly it can help diffuse any anger that comes as a result of suggesting anger management and secondly, telling someone they need anger management is not good for their self-esteem.
The chances are that they will be feeling very self conscious at this point, maybe even reflecting on all the negative anger they have shown in past weeks, months or even years.
By highlighting positive aspects of their personality allows them to maintain a little positive thought about themselves and show that they are valued.
These are just a few very basic suggestions that have helped people over the years.
Of course, each and every one of us is different and each situation will require a slightly different approach - but sticking to these basic principles should help make this situation slightly less awkward.
Part 2 of this article will now turn to the four common responses we are likely to receive when people are asked to seek anger management advice.
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