When you’re the one that’s betrayed the trust in your friendship, you’ve got some work to do. Friendships can strengthen after a betrayal but only if you and your friend are willing to put in the work. It requires effort from both of you.  You can only control what you put into it however, so here’s what to do to rebuild the trust in your friendship.

Come Clean and Take Responsibility

There’s nothing worse than getting betrayed by a friend and then having that friend make excuses for their behavior.

Own up to what you did and even why you did it. This will be uncomfortable. It should be. Telling a friend why and how you went behind their back should not be easy, but it’s a required step in healing and building trust again.

In order to do this you’ll need to apologize sincerely and even make amends if necessary.

Give Your Friend Time to Heal, Absorb It All, and Even Stay Angry for a Bit

One mistake friends make when it comes to forgiveness is that they expect their friends to “be over it” instantly. It takes time. Your friend may want to forgive you and be friends again but in order to do that they need time to process what happened. If this step is rushed, you’ll run into a situation when your friend keeps bringing up the past because they’ve never really allowed themselves to process all the emotions required to let it go.

So give your friend some time. In some cases, your pal might want some time away from you just so they can hang out with other people and put distance between what happened and your friendship.

Don’t be alarmed if they want to do this because they aren’t necessarily pulling away from you but instead putting the betrayal in perspective.

Also, never diminish a friend’s anger. If they feel it, allow them to work through it. Don’t tell them “it’s no big deal” or that they are “too sensitive.” You might not think it’s a big deal, but they do, so let them express their thoughts so you can eventually both move on.

Be Impeccable With Your Word From That Point On

After you betray a friend, they’ll have little tolerance for even the smallest of fibs. So take advice from The Four Agreements and “be impeccable” with your word. Mean what you say, be careful what you promise, and follow through.

Some ways this could apply to your friendship:

• Don’t use “throwaway” words that mean nothing to your friend.

 

• When you tell them you’ll be somewhere at a certain time, show up. Don’t be late and then make excuses about it.

 

• Don’t give them false compliments because you want to get back to their good side. Insincerity can be spotted a mile away. (Here are five types of compliments you should give to them or any friend.)

 

• Don’t avoid arguments with a friend in an effort to keep the peace. Instead, express yourself with gentle honesty, realizing that your friend is entitled to think something completely different from you and that’s okay.

 

Go Slowly as You Rebuild

Tread lightly on your friendship as you rebuild trust. If, for example, you usually go for a girl’s weekend at the start of every summer, make it a day instead. Go out to dinner instead of meeting at a friend’s house and hanging out for hours.

In a sense, you’ll need to treat your friendship as you would a new one for a while, depending on how severe the betrayal was. It won’t take you long to progress until you’re comfortable with each other again, but it will happen in spurts and steps. You may feel like you’re making progress for a while and then something will happen to cause things to slow down. As long as you’re both trying and communication is happening, however, you’re on the right track.

Are you the one that needs to learn to trust a friend again? Here’s some tips on how to manage it.