Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
-Benjamin Franklin When it comes to divorce, anger is the universal language.
Or, more accurately, anger is the universal language of those who are headed for a long and expensive divorce.
Anger is our most powerful emotion, and the anger we experience in divorce is pure poison.
It is an overpowering, specialized, and intense form of anger that we have not felt before.
It is a form of temporary insanity that catches us off guard and turns us into monsters.
And, to top it off, we can't even use it as a defense.
Pleading insanity may work in criminal cases, but it doesn't help us in divorce.
We seem to feel more entitled to display anger at home than we do at school, work or elsewhere.
We recognize the value of trying to control our temper when we're out of the house (exploding in front of co-workers, neighbors, customers, etc.
).
Not so, however, when it comes to blowing our top in front of the soon-to-be-ex.
Here, we feel no compunction about acting like we're in Dodge City.
Angry people make bad decisions and we must fight the natural tendency to get hooked by our partner's anger.
Showing our anger sucks up our money like a vacuum cleaner.
It makes us look crazy; it distorts our perception, twists our thinking, and impairs our ability to solve problems; it closes our spouse's ears and prevents us from making our point; and it gives our partner justification to see themselves as a victim.
This last point is especially significant.
Victims believe they deserve revenge, and it is not wise to negotiate our financial futures with someone who feels it is their turn to inflict punishment.
One of the biggest sources of anger is blame.
In fact, blame and anger work hand in hand.
If we are angry, we blame; and placing blame intensifies our anger.
The person we blame resents being blamed, so they follow suit and get angry back.
They blame us (or our reaction) for their anger and thereby intensify the downward spiral.
The angrier we both become, the further we get from reaching a settlement.
Anger feeds off itself, and someone must take the initiative to break this reactive pattern.
The thing about anger and blame is that neither can get us what we want.
Unfortunately, this is usually the last thing that angry people are willing to do.
We must sharpen our view of what is at stake and keep our eye on the prize - less pain, less expense - at all times.
Control the encounter or it will control you.
Never give your spouse access to your hot buttons, and force yourself to resist your impulses.
Easier said than done? Not really.
There is one simple thing we can all do to contain our anger: anticipate theirs.
Know your partner is going to lose it; expect them to attack suddenly and hard.
Anticipate fury, and you will be able to handle their fury - without unleashing your own.
We can profit from our spouse's explosions if we do not react in kind.
When they explode, stay cool for as long as you can.
Realize that the moments after a blow-off provide you with a wonderful opportunity to enter a zone where resolution becomes possible.
Having let off steam, your partner will become calmer and more willing to listen to your side of the story than ever before.
Then there is anxiety.
Close on the heels of anger, anxiety is another deadly nemesis in the world of divorce settlement discussions.
And it's no wonder.
Divorce is about loss.
It threatens what we value the most - our family, our cash flow, our standard of living, our future, our stability, even the way we feel about ourselves.
To say that anxiety is inevitable in divorce is putting it mildly.
Divorce is pure stress, pure agony.
How could we not feel strong emotion - anxiety, created by fear and doubt - when we don't know the answers to crucial questions such as these: Will we have to sell the house? Will the kids have to switch schools? Will I have to move, and where will I go? What will I be able to afford? What will I do for a living? Who will hire me? What if I lose my job? How will I pay my bills? How will I pay support and still be able to live? Will I be able to afford health insurance? What if my income drops next year? Anxiety prevents us from communicating effectively because it freezes our spouse's mind in the closed position and makes it hard for us to get our point across.
In a like fashion, anxiety also prevents us from comprehending what we need to comprehend when our spouse speaks.
What can we do to mitigate our very understandable anxiety? The best way is to avoid arguing with our spouse.
Non-confrontational communication with our soon-to-be-ex can go a long way toward reducing their anxiety before it gains any momentum.
And, if we reduce theirs, we reduce ours.
We win the war if we can prevent it from starting.
By taking the lead and refusing to respond to arguing with more arguing, we may inspire our spouse to follow suit.
Does that guarantee they will reciprocate? No, but firing away at them with both barrels does guarantee they'll fire right back.
Arguing is always futile.
It's a waste of breath, and it just makes our partner dig in deeper.
Anxiety in divorce arises out of perfectly reasonable concerns that we have about our financial security or entitlement.
The best chance we have at reducing our spouse's anxiety is to be as reasonable as we can when addressing their worries.
No one ever told us how vital this is.
Imagine how many of us have unwittingly caused our own divorce disasters by not knowing to show respect for our partner's beliefs and concerns.
Instead, we did what our culture told us to do: We immediately challenged their viewpoint and tried to talk them into accepting ours.
By keeping in mind the dynamics of these two deadly emotions - anger and anxiety - we give ourselves a realistic chance to obtain a fair settlement.